My uncontrollable Brain
Well at least that was how I felt things were.
As I sat still, as I lay down to go to sleep, when I woke at 3 am. There it was, going 90 to the dozen, flat out.
Giving me all the things that needed working on. Pointing out all the things that I was not succeeding in achieving. Reminding me that there was so much I had to do and that I had done so little of it.
Assuring me the ultimate disaster of being financial broke, alone, out on the streets was only a few days away, if I managed to live that long.
I could begin to get a handle on why, so long ago, I had contemplated escaping from this overwhelming expression of what I saw as my uselessness. Yet, I had learned that escape may have solved my problem but it would leave behind a pile of other problems. Also in hindsight I was now aware that there was life after despair.
As I looked back, the issues that had been the cause of my despair back then, had all ended up being resolved, resolving themselves or actually never existed in the first place, being the product of my fertile but worse case focus mind.
And more to the point, I was here now, I had “survived” that “end of the world” event quite well and gone on to quite a few excellent successes.
Yet here I was again, going through exactly the same scenario of events.
Now I know that I am not unique in this experience as I read and hear about the rise in the number of people who express their frustration with where they are in life and the seeming impossibility to do anything to make a difference. More and more are choosing to use of antidepressants, some end up adding to the rising suicide numbers. Others as Thoreau is quoted as saying, “Lead lives of quiet desperation”. Bottom line–unhappy.
If you are not one of these then I’m sure that you at least know someone like this. However, don’t be fooled, many times we/others are able to put on a broad front and not allow the thoughts & feelings to be seen by others. I can assure you that for many people with whom I meet, very few would not think of me as a person who totally has it all together. My clients do because I allow myself to be totally vulnerable with them where needed.
So here I am doing confusion at this moment but not surrendering to it. For the last few days i have been able to create a very powerful meditation time with very strong visualisations of my vision for my life. Whilst these are my focus the reasons why it won’t work that the brain throws up don’t get much of a look in, other than to thank my brain for caring and attempting to protect me.
When it tells me that I don’t have a chance of achieving, I am able to say thanks hen note that we still have time for it to occur.
Read a book by Robert Fritz, called “The Path of Least Resistance” where he talks about living in the tension between where you are now and where you want to be.
A bit like the hen laying an egg and you or me expecting chicken for dinner tomorrow. There is a tension set up that would have us get impatient and deal with the egg before it has had time to morph into a fully crown chicken on one hand to even give up on the thought of having chicken for dinner on the other.
My “uncontrollable” brain has only an awareness of what did not work, it’s memory of what was successful is very flimsy. It only wants to protect us from another lot of failures.
However, I have learned that I can observe that brain and get an understanding of where it is going and what motivates it. In my observation I can acknowledge the input that I receive and then put in place other strategies that I believe will produce far more satisfactory results.
I was able to tell it that the world was not coming to an end. That I could work better with my finances to give me a much longer time frame, even if nothing else changes. I can actually exercise and meditate better so that I create a bit more space for the positive stuff and affirm to the negative stuff that its okay, just because I have stuffed up in the past it doesn’t automatically mean that every future venture will fail.
I was able to talk with my wife and share my feelings at the moment so I was better able to observe what was going on inside of me. As I listened to my clients I noted that they were sharing similar thoughts, as I listened to them and asked them to qualify their journey, I saw my own get clearer. I shared with my coach and noted that when I became more proactive in creating my futures, then my action appeared to override my frustration.
Maybe I will never achieve all the things I would want to achieve in one life time, so I can understand my frustration, however, by dwelling on the frustration I note that actually achieve very few of the things I want to achieve. The longer I stay there the less I achieve.
So, for me the answer. To develop the art of listening to my brain as it rambles on, to observe what it is attempting to do. To acknowledge it for its concern and thank it. Then to decide what I actually want to happen and put the things in place that are needed to ensure that outcome. Continuing to maintain the monitoring so I learn to exercise a contol over my brain.
It seems that if I don’t learn to control it, then it will control me. I have experienced that and I don’t really enjoy it so back into the game it is with my brain taming skills abounding. Knowing that in the future I may take my eye off the ball and begin to question my ability once more, knowing that I have reinforced my awareness of the actions that I constantly need to take to stay on top of the game. To stay with the tension knowing if I keep on keeping on then it will always work out well.
Great learning Austin